


A Purpose

by Kainka



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebellion Era - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Blind Kanan Jarrus, Blindness, Dealing with a Traumatic Event, Depression, F/M, Hera is his light, Hope, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, POV Kanan, Permanent Injury, Post-Malachor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 05:29:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12381846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kainka/pseuds/Kainka
Summary: Losing his eyesight was hard but having to go on blind was harder. In his darkest time Hera becomes his reason not to give up.





	A Purpose

**Author's Note:**

> Great thanks to my beta dianemaryallison

On the dark planet of Malachor, Kanan fell to his knees. By reflex, his right hand reached to his eyes — the source of the excruciating pain that was filling his brain — but the touch only caused him more agony. Darth Maul’s laughter was echoing through the darkness. He had failed.

 “You have played at being a Jedi master, now look where this pretence has got you and your Padawan.” His dead master’s voice joint Maul’s derisive laugh. 

He turned his head in confusion trying to determine where the voice was coming from. 

“No, I did not — I am a Jedi knight. Yoda …,” he tried to justify himself with desperation. 

“Yoda?” answered his master’s harsh mocking voice. “There was no Yoda, just your imagination.”

Kanan got up to his feet awkwardly. He reached for where he thought the source of the voice was but grabbed only thin air. His master and Darth Maul laughed in unison, and other faceless people seemed to join them. Kanan stumbled.

“This can’t be. It’s is not true. You’re dead,” he yelled in frustration.

Their taunts only intensified in response. He hopelessly reached out again and stepped forward. His foot did not hit the ground and he lost his balance. He was falling. His heartbeat jumped up, his stomach turned and his lungs burned as his last scream faded away.

 

* * *

 

Kanan woke up gasping for air, sweat running down his back. He took a deep breath to suppress the initial panic attack. It was just another dream, he told himself. It may sound strange, considering most of his dreams lately were nightmares, but he hated waking up. He hated it more than reliving the worst moment of his life over and over because for an instant he would forget he could no longer see and waking up to a complete darkness, not different to his dream, was terrifying. First few times he almost gave in to the panic attack, but Hera was always there to convince him he’s safe. Lately, waking up wasn’t as terrifying as before even if she wasn’t with him.

Lying in the bed, he traced the smooth lines of the scar that bisected his face with his fingers. At the beginning he hoped it would somehow disappear, that instead he would feel smooth skin under his fingertips. He stopped hoping. He was beginning to accept the reality and it was hurting less and less everyday. Doctors explained to him that it was impossible to replace his eyes with cybernetic ones, even if they could get their hands on something like that in the current situation the rebels were in. They told him the only way was to learn to live like this. To live without light.

He made himself get out of the bed and push the dark thoughts away, knowing Hera would tell him off if she knew. By this point he was perfectly able to navigate around his little room without stumbling and kicking something. He could find his clothes, get dressed and use the bathroom without any problem, but it took him days, weeks even, to achieve this. He didn’t leave his room nor did he talk to anyone else from his team apart from Hera. At the beginning he tried to avoid Hera as well, not wanting her to see how pathetic he was now, but she wouldn’t let him push her away. When Hera set her mind on something, no one could stop her. 

He sighed as he finished his cleaning routine. So many people who lost their sight or their limb learned to live with it, w _hy was he so weak?_ It took so long to learn to do the basic things, how was he ever gonna make it in the outside world? He was never a proper Jedi and now he would never be. He could hardly join a battle or train Ezra if he couldn’t even walk without stumbling. _He was useless_.

He sat down, once again struggling to push all the thoughts out of his mind and meditate. It was the only thing he could really do. 

He wasn’t sure how much time has passed when he began to wonder where Hera was. She came to visit him every day and when, due to some urgent mission, she couldn’t, she always let him know. Although, she wouldn’t take a mission longer than a day or two. He told himself to wait because surely she would come sooner or later, but it didn’t take long and he found himself pacing restlessly around the room. Part of him thought he’s being foolish, but the other, currently much larger part of him, feared something might have happened to her. _Or maybe she forgot_ , a thought crossed his mind. He waved it away quickly, she wouldn’t just leave him. 

He needed to know what was happening. He tried the intercom he had next to the door, but the only response he got was a crackling noise. 

“Damn it,” he cursed out loud. 

They had been having difficulties with it from the beginning at this new base. The sudden realisation came clear to him. He only had two options: stay and wait for Hera to show up, hoping nothing bad had happened to her, or go out and find out. It was a scary — no, a terrifying — notion but he knew he had no other choice. The decision to open the door wasn’t easy, but he won the inner battle of whether to take the step outside of the room that became his world and go find Hera. 

He stopped in the doorway, the sounds coming from distance seemed deafening compared to the silence of his room. He braced himself and, placing one hand on the wall, he turned right which, if he remembered correctly, was the direction towards the command centre.

The further he went, the louder all the noises got. He was surprised how busy the place became in such a short time. The sounds of people talking, machines and droids at work intensified and he knew he had reached the command centre. Hopefully, he would find someone able to tell him what happened. 

“Hey, watch where you’re going!” He heard an angry shout right after he accidentally bumped into someone, which forced him to let go of the wall. Disoriented, he tried to find his way again but started panicking. 

“Kanan?” a familiar voice cut through the noise. 

“Sabine?”

“What are you— You heard about Hera.” She didn’t put it as a question and only confirmed his worries.

“Where is she? Is she…?” he couldn’t finish. 

“She’s in the med bay,” she sounded concerned. He had million questions about what happened and how bad is was, but none of that mattered right now. 

“Take me to her,” he demanded. 

She hesitated only for a second, then took his hand and led the way. 

 

* * *

 

“We’re here,” Sabine said. The smell of disinfection and the distinctive beeping of the machines agreed with her. She nudged him forward and let go of him.

“Kanan,” Hera’s voice sounded weak. 

He made a couple awkward steps in that direction and managed to grasp the railing of her bed.

“Just one more step,” she said before he felt her fingers brush his hand and she drew him closer. 

He sat down on her bed warily and gently squeezed her hand.

“What happened? Where were you? How bad is it? Will you be okay?” he swamped her with questions.

“I’m fine,” she said amused at his reaction but her chuckle soon turned into a sharp cough and he knew she was lying. 

“I’m sorry, I should have been there for you,” he said full of regret and anger. 

“Don’t… You’re here now and that’s all that matters. That’s all I need.”

Holding hands, they stayed like that in a comfortable silence, as no words could express their feelings. After a while they started talking about unimportant things, avoiding the subject of the accident, and they continued until he heard her drifting to sleep. 

“Will you stay with me,” she asked drowsily. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said softly, unsure if she could still hear him. “I’ll always be here for you.”

_I won’t let anything ever happen to you again,_ he made a promise to himself. He would get better. He would learn to live without his sight and next time he would be able to protect her.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this story and please let me know your thoughts :)


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